How can we continue to support them if we know it is wrong; or what should we tell them to do now (they feel fake coming to church)?
It’s great that your friend trusts you enough to be able to share such an intimate part of their life with you. When we talk about someone being a virgin, we are talking about someone who has who has never experienced sexual intercourse. Let me try to answer your question in three parts.
1. What are Sexual Sins?
As you mention, sex before marriage, sexual immorality but also adultery are considered sexual sins. According to 1 Corinthians 7:2: “But since there is so much immorality, each man should have his own wife, and each woman her own husband.” In this verse, Paul states that marriage is the “cure” for sexual immorality. First Corinthians 7:2 is essentially saying that, because people are not able to control themselves many are having immoral sex both outside of marriage and before marriage - that people should get married. Then they can fulfill their passions in a moral way as husband and wife.
Since 1 Corinthians 7:2 clearly includes sex before marriage as part of the definition of sexual immorality, all of the Bible verses that condemn sexual immorality as being sinful also condemn sex before marriage as sinful. There are numerous Scriptures that declare sex before marriage to be a sin (Acts 15:20; 1 Corinthians 5:1;6:13, 18; 10:8; 2 Corinthians 12:21; Galatians 5:19; Ephesians 5:3; Colossians 3:5; 1 Thessalonians 4:3; Jude 7). The Bible teaches that we remain sexually pure and abstain from sex before marriage. Sex between a husband and his wife is the only form of sexual relations of which God approves (Hebrews 13:4).
Far too often we focus on the “recreational” aspect of sex without recognizing that there is another aspect—procreation. Sex within marriage is pleasurable, and God designed it that way. God wants men and women to enjoy sexual activity within the confines of marriage only. Song of Solomon and several other Bible passages (such as Proverbs 5:19) clearly describe the pleasure of sex. However each couple as believers must understand that God’s intent for sex includes producing children. Thus, for a couple to engage in sex before marriage is doubly wrong—they are enjoying pleasures not intended for them, and they are taking a chance of creating a human life outside of the family structure God intended for every child.
Please remember that if the Bible's message on sex before marriage were obeyed, there would be far fewer sexually transmitted diseases, far fewer abortions, far fewer unwed mothers and unwanted pregnancies, and far fewer children growing up without both parents in their lives. Abstinence is God’s only policy when it comes to sex before marriage. Abstinence saves lives, protects babies, gives sexual relations the proper value, and, most importantly, honors God.
A book that I’ve recommend to others on this topic and one that I’ve found very helpful is called, “The DIRT on SEX” by Justin Lookadoo. You can get it at your local bookstore or Chapters at a reasonable price. As well, feel free to come and see me if you like and I’ll lend you my copy!
2. What Is True Friendship According To The Bible?
Trust is essential to true friendship. We all need someone with whom we can share our lives, thoughts, feelings, and frustrations. We need to be able to share our deepest secrets with someone, without worrying that those secrets will end up on the Internet the next day! Failing to be trustworthy with those intimate secrets can destroy a friendship in a hurry. Faithfulness and loyalty are key to true friendship. Without them, we often feel betrayed, left out, and lonely. In true friendship, there is no backbiting, no negative thoughts, no turning away.
True friendship requires certain accountability factors. Real friends encourage one another and forgive one another where there has been an offense. Genuine friendship supports during times of struggle. Friends are dependable. In true friendship, unconditional love develops. We love our friends no matter what and we always want the best for our friends.
The Lord Jesus Christ gave us the definition of a true friend: "Greater love has no one than this that he lay down his life for his friends. You are my friends if you do what I command. I no longer call you servants, because a servant does not know his master's business. Instead, I have called you friends, for everything that I learned from my Father I have made known to you" (John 15:13-15). Jesus is the pure example of a true friend, for He laid down His life for His "friends." What is more, anyone may become His friend by trusting in Him as his personal savior, being born again and receiving new life in Him.
3. How Can I Help And Support My Friend?
The Bible presents several different resources to help all of us overcome sin and to support others who are caught in its grip. In this lifetime, we need to continuously seek to be victorious over sin (1 John 1:8). With God’s help, the power of the Holy Spirit and His Word, we can progressively overcome sin and become more and more like Christ.
Many Christians find that Christian fellowship like having an accountability partner … like you can be a huge benefit in overcoming stubborn sins. Having another person who can talk with you, pray with you, encourage you, and even challenge you is of great value. Temptation is common to us all (1 Corinthians 10:13). Having an accountability partner or an accountability group can give us the final dose of encouragement and motivation we need to overcome even the most stubborn of sins. Is this what your friend is seeking to do?
Great question! Consider if you or your friend need to talk to a trusted adult friend, Pastor or Counselor about this issue as well.
[Answered by Ray Lee, Summer Intern]
