Christian counselors report that 50 percent of people who come in for counseling have problems dealing with anger. Anger can shatter communication and tear apart relationships, and it ruins both the joy and health of many. Sadly, people tend to justify their anger instead of accepting responsibility for it. Everyone struggles, to varying degrees, with anger. Thankfully, God’s Word contains principles regarding how to handle anger in a godly manner, and how to overcome sinful anger.
Anger turns to sin when it is selfishly motivated (James 1:20), when God’s goal is distorted (1 Corinthians 10:31), or when anger is allowed to linger (Ephesians 4:26-27). Instead of using the energy generated by anger to attack the problem at hand, it is the person who is attacked. Ephesians 4:15-19 says we are to speak the truth in love and use our words to build others up, not allow rotten or destructive words to pour from our lips. Unfortunately, this poisonous speech is a common characteristic of fallen man (Romans 3:13-14).
Anger becomes sin when it is allowed to boil over without restraint, resulting in a scenario in which hurt is multiplied (Proverbs 29:11), leaving devastation in its wake, often with irreparable consequences. Anger also becomes sin when the angry one refuses to calm down and seek peace, holds a grudge, or keeps it all inside (Ephesians 4:26-27). This can cause depression and irritability over little things, often things unrelated to the underlying problem.
Our response to difficult people should center around the examples provided by Jesus, for He surely dealt with many difficult people during His time here on earth. Jesus dealings with these people were never out of an attitude of superiority or dominance, but rather as one coming with an attitude to serve. In the Sermon on the Mount Jesus was quite specific in Luke 6: 27-31:
But I tell you who hear me: Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you. If someone strikes you on one cheek, turn to him the other also. If someone takes your cloak, do not stop him from taking your tunic. Give to everyone who asks you, and if anyone takes what belongs to you, do not demand it back. Do to others as you would have them do to you.
Putting all this together, the way to deal with difficult and angry people is to love them, pray for them, expect to give rather than to receive, maintain a humble spirit, and relate to them in patience and kindness. But more important is the need to pray for the Spirit’s power to change our own hearts and minds toward the difficult person and enable us to see them as needing the same love, grace and mercy that God extended toward us. Remember that Jesus even forgave the men who were going to kill him (Luke 23:34-39). The way to deal with difficult people, then, is to imitate Christ’s humility and love. That kind of response helps to build and encourage one another and is pleasing to the Lord.
Consider the following steps:
1. Consider Changing Your Behavior That Triggers Their Anger. Sometimes the most practical thing to do is to change whatever it is that triggers the anger in people.
2. Ask Them Directly Why They Are Angry Toward You. The quickest way to find out why someone appears constantly angry with you is to simply ask them. They may not even realize they were communicating angrily toward you, so your inquiry may open up a great dialogue.
3. Communicate Clearly How Their Negativity Affects You. Honestly letting people know how their behavior is affecting you emotionally is often an "eye-opener" to the other person. Start with "I feel" statements rather than "you" or "you should" statements.
4. Suggest Ways To Remedy Anger, If The Other Person Acknowledges He Or She Has An Anger Problem. If the angry person in your life is open to it, suggest talking to a trusted adult, Pastor or doctor to determine what the problem is. There are many underlying problems such as Depression, Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD), Bipolar Disorder, and other conditions which can lead to anger problems.
[Answered by Ray Lee, Summer Intern]
