Q: Angry friend?

My friend who I am working with on a project got really angry at me and called me some rude names. The others in our group tried to diffuse the situation but his anger kept flaring up. What should I do when we work on the project again?

Christian counselors report that 50 percent of people who come in for counseling have problems dealing with anger. Anger can shatter communication and tear apart relationships, and it ruins both the joy and health of many. Sadly, people tend to justify their anger instead of accepting responsibility for it. Everyone struggles, to varying degrees, with anger. Thankfully, God’s Word contains principles regarding how to handle anger in a godly manner, and how to overcome sinful anger.



Anger turns to sin when it is selfishly motivated (James 1:20), when God’s goal is distorted (1 Corinthians 10:31), or when anger is allowed to linger (Ephesians 4:26-27). Instead of using the energy generated by anger to attack the problem at hand, it is the person who is attacked. Ephesians 4:15-19 says we are to speak the truth in love and use our words to build others up, not allow rotten or destructive words to pour from our lips. Unfortunately, this poisonous speech is a common characteristic of fallen man (Romans 3:13-14).

Anger becomes sin when it is allowed to boil over without restraint, resulting in a scenario in which hurt is multiplied (Proverbs 29:11), leaving devastation in its wake, often with irreparable consequences. Anger also becomes sin when the angry one refuses to calm down and seek peace, holds a grudge, or keeps it all inside (Ephesians 4:26-27). This can cause depression and irritability over little things, often things unrelated to the underlying problem.


Our response to difficult people should center around the examples provided by Jesus, for He surely dealt with many difficult people during His time here on earth. Jesus dealings with these people were never out of an attitude of superiority or dominance, but rather as one coming with an attitude to serve. In the Sermon on the Mount Jesus was quite specific in Luke 6: 27-31:

But I tell you who hear me: Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you. If someone strikes you on one cheek, turn to him the other also. If someone takes your cloak, do not stop him from taking your tunic. Give to everyone who asks you, and if anyone takes what belongs to you, do not demand it back. Do to others as you would have them do to you.



Putting all this together, the way to deal with difficult and angry people is to love them, pray for them, expect to give rather than to receive, maintain a humble spirit, and relate to them in patience and kindness. But more important is the need to pray for the Spirit’s power to change our own hearts and minds toward the difficult person and enable us to see them as needing the same love, grace and mercy that God extended toward us. Remember that Jesus even forgave the men who were going to kill him (Luke 23:34-39). The way to deal with difficult people, then, is to imitate Christ’s humility and love. That kind of response helps to build and encourage one another and is pleasing to the Lord.

Consider the following steps:


1. Consider Changing Your Behavior That Triggers Their Anger. Sometimes the most practical thing to do is to change whatever it is that triggers the anger in people.

2. Ask Them Directly Why They Are Angry Toward You. The quickest way to find out why someone appears constantly angry with you is to simply ask them. They may not even realize they were communicating angrily toward you, so your inquiry may open up a great dialogue.

3. Communicate Clearly How Their Negativity Affects You. Honestly letting people know how their behavior is affecting you emotionally is often an "eye-opener" to the other person. Start with "I feel" statements rather than "you" or "you should" statements.

4. Suggest Ways To Remedy Anger, If The Other Person Acknowledges He Or She Has An Anger Problem. If the angry person in your life is open to it, suggest talking to a trusted adult, Pastor or doctor to determine what the problem is. There are many underlying problems such as Depression, Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD), Bipolar Disorder, and other conditions which can lead to anger problems.

[Answered by Ray Lee, Summer Intern]

Q: Where's the line drawn when we decide whether something is a good or bad reason to be getting mad?

John 2:12-17 mentions Jesus going into a temple and getting mad about what they were doing. As a result, he flipped over tables and chased out the flock of animals there. Jesus got mad at them for changing the temple into a market which I think is a reasonable explanation to get mad since he is God. So it’s safe to say there are ‘good’ reasons to get mad and with 'good', also comes ‘bad’.

In any situation, is anger a good or bad thing? Where is the line drawn when we decide is something is a good or bad reason to be getting mad? Is there an appropriate response to getting angry? For example, if our younger sibling was saying that church is boring, should we flip tables or just forgive them for what they said [and then give them an asian lecture like a good o'l older sibling should?]

This very passage is the topic of our next MOBS (monthly bible study), so be on the lookout for that on Oct. 30 (Agape) and Nov. 6 (BASIC). We'll get into a lot more detail there.

Yes, there are good reasons to get mad and bad reasons to do as well. From this passage, we see that Jesus showed anger because people were more concerned about earning money than about worshipping God. So does this mean we can be angry? Yes. But when is okay to be angry?

Andrew Lester once wrote this concerning anger and Christian living:

Because God's love is heavily invested in the creation, that love becomes threatened when an aspect of the creation is being hurt or when God's desires for the creation are neglected. Thus we may conceptualize God's anger as a response to threats to those in whom God is invested, and for whom he desires abundant life.

Lester is saying that it is right for a Christian to be angry when God is dishonoured or when his creation is hurt. In other words, we should be angry at the sin of people.

That being said, as you have indicated, there is a way to express that anger. Ephesians 4:15 reminds us to always speak the truth in love. Furthermore, Ephesians 4:26 tells us to "be angry but do not sin." Though there are things that make us very angry, we must remember to express that anger without sinning and in love. Practically, this means we cannot think we are better than those we are angry at. It also means examining our motives and asking whether Jesus would be angry if he encountered the same situation.

Our angry must be rooted in the love of Christ. In the case of your younger brother or sister who finds church boring, you have to first examine whether you truly have your younger sibling's well-being in mind. Is your angry rooted in self-righteousness or in love?

You must also examine how you plan to express your anger. This takes a great deal of patience, courage and wisdom. Sometimes telling a person the hard truth requires the bold, in-your-face approach. Other times, the approach must be gentle. For instance, if you were to "flip tables," I predict your sibling would not be interested in what you'd have to say. He would just get angry at you, and the tension would just elevate. Perhaps the softer approach is the wise move. Ask him why he finds church boring. Listen attentively. When the time is right and you have his/her attention, you can speak the truth in love and with courage. Tell him why worshipping God at church is important and exciting. Don't force it, but simply tell him your experience. If he doesn't listen, give it time. Pray for him, and ask God for an opportune time to speak to him. On the other hand, if he shows utter disrespect, perhaps it is appropriate to speak the truth in a more forceful tone. I believe you can still do this in love.

[Answered by Pastor HM]