Q: Shunned?

I'm going into my senior year at school and since tenth grade, my class has pretty much shunned me for everything. It got pretty bad last year as to having my average drop from an 87% to a 63%. It's my last year at the school and I know I should make the best out of it. I've learned during the summer how love should work and why it should work the way it does. I'm trying, but even if I see one of my classmates from school at my youth group, I can't bring myself to start a small conversation without feeling bitter. I don't know what I’m supposed to be asking, but I’m pretty much just wondering how to get through the next year with my class. I have friends in other grades, but I mean, it is senior year and I should be spending more time with my class before we leave for university. Anything I can do?

GREAT QUESTION! Human beings were created to be social creatures, meaning that we are most comfortable when we have family, friends and acquaintances. Friendship is an important element in a fulfilled, contented life, and those who have close friends, whether one or two or a multitude, will usually be happy and well-adjusted. At the same time, those who call themselves our friends may cause us grief and hardship, and at times disappointing us. 

TRUE FRIENDSHIP

The Lord Jesus Christ gave us the definition of a true friend: "Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends. You are my friends if you do what I command. I no longer call you servants, because a servant does not know his master's business. Instead, I have called you friends, for everything that I learned from my Father I have made known to you" (John 15:13-15). Jesus is the pure example of a true friend, for He laid down His life for His "friends." What is more, anyone may become His friend by trusting in Him as his personal savior, being born again and receiving new life in Him.
 
There is an example of true friendship between David and Saul's son Jonathan, who, in spite of his father Saul's pursuit of David and attempts to kill him, stood by his friend. You will find that story in 1 Samuel chapter 18 through chapter 20. Some pertinent passages are 1 Samuel 18:1-4; 19: 4-7; 20:11-17, 41-42.  Proverbs is another good source of wisdom regarding friends: Proverbs 17:17; Proverbs 18:24. The issue here is to remember that in order to have a friend, one must be a friend: Proverbs 27:6; Proverbs 27:17.
 
Friends are of like mind. The truth that comes from all of this is a friendship is a relationship that is entered into by individuals, and it is only as good or as close as those individuals choose to make it. Someone has said that if you can count your true friends on the fingers of one hand, you are blessed. A friend is one whom you can be yourself with and never fear that he or she will judge you. A friend is someone that you can confide in with complete trust. A friend is someone you respect and that respects you, not based upon worthiness but based upon a likeness of mind.

 
Friendship can have its negative aspects as well. Supposed friends can lead us into sin (2 Samuel 13:1-6).  A friend can lead us astray in regard to our faith (Deuteronomy 13:6-11), provide false comfort and bad advice (Job 2:11-13, 6:14-27, 42:7-9). Friends can also prove false, pretending affection for their own motives and deserting us when our friendship no longer benefits them (Psalm 55:12-14; Proverbs 19:4, 6-7). Friendship can be broken down through gossip (Proverbs 16:28) or grudges (Proverbs 17:9) or in your case – being deliberately avoided or shunned by your friends.

Friends should be chosen very carefully because, as Paul told the Corinthians, “bad company corrupts good character” (1 Corinthians 15:33). Proverbs 1:10-19 and 4:14-19 contains warnings about friends and how we should choose them. We are not to associate with those who entice us to do wrong, no matter how appealing their “friendship” seems to be. 

BEING SHUNNED

Many of us have probably felt shunned by our friends at one point or another and most often than not those feelings may have caused some disagreements and hurt feelings. The thing about shunning is that sometimes those may not have been our intention and because nobody speaks up about what has happened the situation gets out of control. 

Know that as born-again believers we have a resource in God's Word that can bring comfort and clarity to this situation. One person or even a group's rejection does not mean we are unlovable.  We can choose to allow rejection to determine how we feel and allow that feeling to color our idea of who we are, or we can choose to put that behind us and move forward on the basis of something that is far more lasting.

For believers, we need to remember our position in Christ. When we are born again, we are accepted. "Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us in the heavenly realms with every spiritual blessing in Christ. For he chose us in him before the creation of the world to be holy and blameless in his sight. In love he predestined us to be adopted as his sons through Jesus Christ, in accordance with his pleasure and will— to the praise of his glorious grace, which he has freely given us in the One he loves" (Ephesians 1:3-6).
 
Even though we do not deserve it nor can we earn it (Ephesians 2:8-9), the Lord Jesus Christ has blessed us with every spiritual blessing and has made us accepted in Him. This acceptance is His gift of grace, and it transcends any and all other "feelings" we may have because it is not based on "hope so" but on "know so." We know that this is true because God's Word tells us, and as we believe this truth by faith, it becomes reality in our hearts and lives.
 
As believers we are not defined by our past failures or by disappointment or by the rejection of others. We are defined as children of God, born again to newness of life and endowed with every spiritual blessing and accepted in Christ Jesus. That is the defining factor when it comes to victorious living. God has prepared for each of us unique opportunities to walk through the "all things" of this life. We can either walk in our own strength and what the Apostle Paul calls our "flesh," or we can walk in the power of the provision God has made for us through the Holy Spirit. It is our choice. God has provided us with armor (Ephesians 6:11-18), but it is up to us to put it on by faith.

Therefore, if you are a child of God, you may suffer disappointment in this life, but you need to remember that as a child of the King, this rejection is a momentary bump in the road. You have a choice to either allow that bump to derail you and walk wounded, or you can choose to claim the heritage of a child of God and move forward in grace. Forgiveness of others and of self is a gift that you can give because it is the gift given to you by the Lord Jesus Christ (Ephesians 4:32).

If your friends in your senior year won't talk to you then most likely you are not going to be able to get a response as to why they shunned you or why they may have avoided you through these past few years.  Perhaps you are going to need to just move forward in your life, making new friends, prepare for this coming school year and future campus life.  You have already demonstrated that you can be a top student.  So focus on doing well in school, serving and developing your friendships in fellowship.  Remember that once you graduate from high school, everyone will be heading off to different campuses, different parts of the province and world.  That may mean focusing on the friends you already have and seeking to build new relationships with others in your senior grade that have common interests with you.

Seek to be that true friend like the example of David and Jonathan and you will find that people will be drawn to you.  Be open, friendly and kind to all.  

Proverbs 3:5-6 says, “Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight.”


[Answered by Ray Lee, Summer Intern]

Q: How do I bring my friends to church when all they care about is being entertained?

...Whenever I bring them to Agape events, they usually  just come for the entertainment without getting the real message behind everything.  Plus, one of my friends are so fixated on her own thoughts about life (first life, second life...) that it's hard to get my thoughts to her.  I want to bring my friends to church, but not so they will be entertained.  What should I do?

A:  Dear friend, do not be discouraged!  I know that it is tough to reach out to friends and introduce them to our Christian faith, but many have been in your boat and there are also many who have succeeded!

I think the most important thing to do at this point is twofold:

1.  we have to pray for our friends - forcing them to come to fellowship or church activities are only going to help so much.  We have to really lift them up to God and ask the Holy Spirit to work in their hearts.   After all, it is not us that have the capabilities to change them, but God Himself.  So keep your friends in prayer and remember to trust that God will do what He needs to do in His time.
2.  we have to model it for our friends - in addition to praying for them, we have to model the Christlike life to them.  You have to give them a reason to want to change, a reason to want to seek out who this Christian God us.  If your life is nothing different then theirs, then they'll wonder why they need to change. 

 Now, specifically about your friend that has her own thoughts about life.  You mentioned about her believing that she has a first life and second life and this seems to be aligned with the teachings of Hinduism and Buddhism.  In order to evangelize, we cannot just impose our beliefs on others.  We have to take the time to understand and love them.  In the case of your friend, it's important to see where they are coming from and then address the issue from there.  Remember that just as strongly as you hold onto your faith as a Christian, she may hold onto her own religion.  We have to be sensitive and understanding, but also not waiver in the Truth we believe in. 

For more information about how to evangelize and specifically about Buddhists and Hindus, please go to here to see other Ask Us Answers. 

[answered by Pastor KJT]

 

Q: Angry friend?

My friend who I am working with on a project got really angry at me and called me some rude names. The others in our group tried to diffuse the situation but his anger kept flaring up. What should I do when we work on the project again?

Christian counselors report that 50 percent of people who come in for counseling have problems dealing with anger. Anger can shatter communication and tear apart relationships, and it ruins both the joy and health of many. Sadly, people tend to justify their anger instead of accepting responsibility for it. Everyone struggles, to varying degrees, with anger. Thankfully, God’s Word contains principles regarding how to handle anger in a godly manner, and how to overcome sinful anger.



Anger turns to sin when it is selfishly motivated (James 1:20), when God’s goal is distorted (1 Corinthians 10:31), or when anger is allowed to linger (Ephesians 4:26-27). Instead of using the energy generated by anger to attack the problem at hand, it is the person who is attacked. Ephesians 4:15-19 says we are to speak the truth in love and use our words to build others up, not allow rotten or destructive words to pour from our lips. Unfortunately, this poisonous speech is a common characteristic of fallen man (Romans 3:13-14).

Anger becomes sin when it is allowed to boil over without restraint, resulting in a scenario in which hurt is multiplied (Proverbs 29:11), leaving devastation in its wake, often with irreparable consequences. Anger also becomes sin when the angry one refuses to calm down and seek peace, holds a grudge, or keeps it all inside (Ephesians 4:26-27). This can cause depression and irritability over little things, often things unrelated to the underlying problem.


Our response to difficult people should center around the examples provided by Jesus, for He surely dealt with many difficult people during His time here on earth. Jesus dealings with these people were never out of an attitude of superiority or dominance, but rather as one coming with an attitude to serve. In the Sermon on the Mount Jesus was quite specific in Luke 6: 27-31:

But I tell you who hear me: Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you. If someone strikes you on one cheek, turn to him the other also. If someone takes your cloak, do not stop him from taking your tunic. Give to everyone who asks you, and if anyone takes what belongs to you, do not demand it back. Do to others as you would have them do to you.



Putting all this together, the way to deal with difficult and angry people is to love them, pray for them, expect to give rather than to receive, maintain a humble spirit, and relate to them in patience and kindness. But more important is the need to pray for the Spirit’s power to change our own hearts and minds toward the difficult person and enable us to see them as needing the same love, grace and mercy that God extended toward us. Remember that Jesus even forgave the men who were going to kill him (Luke 23:34-39). The way to deal with difficult people, then, is to imitate Christ’s humility and love. That kind of response helps to build and encourage one another and is pleasing to the Lord.

Consider the following steps:


1. Consider Changing Your Behavior That Triggers Their Anger. Sometimes the most practical thing to do is to change whatever it is that triggers the anger in people.

2. Ask Them Directly Why They Are Angry Toward You. The quickest way to find out why someone appears constantly angry with you is to simply ask them. They may not even realize they were communicating angrily toward you, so your inquiry may open up a great dialogue.

3. Communicate Clearly How Their Negativity Affects You. Honestly letting people know how their behavior is affecting you emotionally is often an "eye-opener" to the other person. Start with "I feel" statements rather than "you" or "you should" statements.

4. Suggest Ways To Remedy Anger, If The Other Person Acknowledges He Or She Has An Anger Problem. If the angry person in your life is open to it, suggest talking to a trusted adult, Pastor or doctor to determine what the problem is. There are many underlying problems such as Depression, Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD), Bipolar Disorder, and other conditions which can lead to anger problems.

[Answered by Ray Lee, Summer Intern]

Q: What should we do if our Christian friend confesses they are no longer a virgin?

How can we continue to support them if we know it is wrong; or what should we tell them to do now (they feel fake coming to church)?


It’s great that your friend trusts you enough to be able to share such an intimate part of their life with you. When we talk about someone being a virgin, we are talking about someone who has who has never experienced sexual intercourse. Let me try to answer your question in three parts.

1. What are Sexual Sins?

As you mention, sex before marriage, sexual immorality but also adultery are considered sexual sins. According to 1 Corinthians 7:2: “But since there is so much immorality, each man should have his own wife, and each woman her own husband.” In this verse, Paul states that marriage is the “cure” for sexual immorality. First Corinthians 7:2 is essentially saying that, because people are not able to control themselves many are having immoral sex both outside of marriage and before marriage - that people should get married. Then they can fulfill their passions in a moral way as husband and wife.



Since 1 Corinthians 7:2 clearly includes sex before marriage as part of the definition of sexual immorality, all of the Bible verses that condemn sexual immorality as being sinful also condemn sex before marriage as sinful. There are numerous Scriptures that declare sex before marriage to be a sin (Acts 15:20; 1 Corinthians 5:1;6:13, 18; 10:8; 2 Corinthians 12:21; Galatians 5:19; Ephesians 5:3; Colossians 3:5; 1 Thessalonians 4:3; Jude 7). The Bible teaches that we remain sexually pure and abstain from sex before marriage. Sex between a husband and his wife is the only form of sexual relations of which God approves (Hebrews 13:4).



Far too often we focus on the “recreational” aspect of sex without recognizing that there is another aspect—procreation. Sex within marriage is pleasurable, and God designed it that way. God wants men and women to enjoy sexual activity within the confines of marriage only. Song of Solomon and several other Bible passages (such as Proverbs 5:19) clearly describe the pleasure of sex. However each couple as believers must understand that God’s intent for sex includes producing children. Thus, for a couple to engage in sex before marriage is doubly wrong—they are enjoying pleasures not intended for them, and they are taking a chance of creating a human life outside of the family structure God intended for every child.



Please remember that if the Bible's message on sex before marriage were obeyed, there would be far fewer sexually transmitted diseases, far fewer abortions, far fewer unwed mothers and unwanted pregnancies, and far fewer children growing up without both parents in their lives. Abstinence is God’s only policy when it comes to sex before marriage. Abstinence saves lives, protects babies, gives sexual relations the proper value, and, most importantly, honors God.

A book that I’ve recommend to others on this topic and one that I’ve found very helpful is called, “The DIRT on SEX” by Justin Lookadoo. You can get it at your local bookstore or Chapters at a reasonable price. As well, feel free to come and see me if you like and I’ll lend you my copy!

2. What Is True Friendship According To The Bible?


Trust is essential to true friendship. We all need someone with whom we can share our lives, thoughts, feelings, and frustrations. We need to be able to share our deepest secrets with someone, without worrying that those secrets will end up on the Internet the next day! Failing to be trustworthy with those intimate secrets can destroy a friendship in a hurry. Faithfulness and loyalty are key to true friendship. Without them, we often feel betrayed, left out, and lonely. In true friendship, there is no backbiting, no negative thoughts, no turning away. 

True friendship requires certain accountability factors. Real friends encourage one another and forgive one another where there has been an offense. Genuine friendship supports during times of struggle. Friends are dependable. In true friendship, unconditional love develops. We love our friends no matter what and we always want the best for our friends.

The Lord Jesus Christ gave us the definition of a true friend: "Greater love has no one than this that he lay down his life for his friends. You are my friends if you do what I command. I no longer call you servants, because a servant does not know his master's business. Instead, I have called you friends, for everything that I learned from my Father I have made known to you" (John 15:13-15). Jesus is the pure example of a true friend, for He laid down His life for His "friends." What is more, anyone may become His friend by trusting in Him as his personal savior, being born again and receiving new life in Him.


3. How Can I Help And Support My Friend?


The Bible presents several different resources to help all of us overcome sin and to support others who are caught in its grip. In this lifetime, we need to continuously seek to be victorious over sin (1 John 1:8). With God’s help, the power of the Holy Spirit and His Word, we can progressively overcome sin and become more and more like Christ. 

Many Christians find that Christian fellowship like having an accountability partner … like you can be a huge benefit in overcoming stubborn sins. Having another person who can talk with you, pray with you, encourage you, and even challenge you is of great value. Temptation is common to us all (1 Corinthians 10:13). Having an accountability partner or an accountability group can give us the final dose of encouragement and motivation we need to overcome even the most stubborn of sins. Is this what your friend is seeking to do?

Great question! Consider if you or your friend need to talk to a trusted adult friend, Pastor or Counselor about this issue as well.

[Answered by Ray Lee, Summer Intern]

Q: I asked a new friend today if she was any religion, and she told me she was a 'half-Christian.' During SPLAT, I remember a sermon telling us that our faith with God cannot be lukewarm?

A:  The passage that you are referring to comes from Revelation 3:16, which says:

¹⁶So, because you are lukewarm—neither hot nor cold—I am about to spit you out of my mouth.

What this basically means it that that you are neither a Christian or a non-Christian and you waiver in between.  Therefore, because of that non-commital attitude, God is displeased.

We are either Christians or not.  We either align ourselves with Good or with Evil.  We either stand with God or with Satan.  There is no half way or or "half Christian".  You either are, or you are not.  The Gospel is very clear to say that if we accept Jesus Christ as our Lord and Saviour, we reap the benefits of eternal life.  We cannot half accept the Gospel or half believe it is true.  You either do, or you do not. 

In the case of your friend, she obviously has not made a decision yet.  However, I think it's important for you, as her friend, not to write her off yet!  I find that many people who say they are "half Christians" are either confused about their faith (maybe her parents are Buddhist but she goes to church) or are not ready to make that step of faith yet (she may consider herself "half Christian" because she does not think she knows enough to commit).  I think you need to reach out to her and explain to her:
1.  There is no such thing as a half-Christian and that soon, she'll have to make a decision.
2.  The Gospel.  Help her to understand the sacrifice of Jesus Christ and what that means to us as Christians. 
3.  If you cant answer all her questions, point her to her counselors or Pastors.


[answered by Pastor KJT]

Q: Mean friends. What can I do?

Q: Right now, there are a lot of people in my life that I can't consider as my friends anymore. Most of them aren't Christian, but would it be wrong to think that God has a reason for leading me away from them? I know that God sends certain people in our life to teach us a lesson and they leave when our journey together is over. The thing is that these aren't just a couple of friends, these are ALL of my (now former) close friends that's giving me a huge struggle in my life right now and some of them have just decided to be mean to me without reason. I know that God doesn't give us more than we can handle. What can I do?

A: Ecclesiastes 3:1-9 tells us about the seasons we have in our lives.

¹ There is a time for everything,
and a season for every activity under heaven:
² a time to be born and a time to die,
a time to plant and a time to uproot,
³ a time to kill and a time to heal,
a time to tear down and a time to build,
⁴ a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance,
⁵ a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
a time to embrace and a time to refrain,
⁶ a time to search and a time to give up,
a time to keep and a time to throw away,
⁷ a time to tear and a time to mend,
a time to be silent and a time to speak,
⁸ a time to love and a time to hate,
a time for war and a time for peace.

I believe it is perfectly okay that we have different friends in different stages of our lives. When we grow, our values and outlook on life change and sometimes we have to move on from people that don't hold those same views. Life long friends are hard and when we do have those, we are immensely blessed. With the situation you are currently going through, I can see that you are facing this struggle. You know it's time to move on, but it's hard, especially if they are giving you a tough time.

Unfortunately, there is not much you can do about your former friends. Matthew 18:15-17 tells us to talk to them about it, if it doesn't work, bring a 3rd party. If that doesn't work, than you'll just have to cut your losses and move on. I would say that you need to reflect on this situation and see if it's something that you did. Maybe you said something offensive which caused them to have this attitude towards you. In all situations, we do have to look to ourselves and analyze our actions. If it is the case that you did not do anything to offend your peers, than it's simply a time to move on.

One of my favourite verses to remember in what seems like hopeless situations comes from Philippians 4:13. It says, "For I can do everything through Christ, who gives me strength." We have to remember to rely on Christ for strength in times of need. When we don't know what to do, I'm certain our Lord does and has a greater plan for us. Keep praying...

[Answered by Pastor KJT]

Q: I know that God gave us obstacles in life to test our faith, and build our relationship with Him...but there is this certain person that "hates" me. It's been going on about four years, and I know that this person who "hates" me has been going around and gossiping about me...

...I do not know what this person is going to do. I can't help but to wonder if they will do something to me. How do I deal with this (other than praying for this person and about this situation)? Should I tell somebody? Should I approach this person?

A:  Oh man...what a bad situation to be in.  From your description of the situation, it seems you are reluctant to talk to this person in real life because you fear what they would do to you..  If this is the case, I'd recommend talking to an adult.  It's not really a matter of ratting them out, but this is bullying and needs to be addressed.

If you talk to your teacher or parent, they will be able to help.  One thing that I would not recommend is talking to your peers about it so much.  Maybe just one or two good friends that you trust.  Gossip may spread and just perpetuate the situation.  Just tackle it at the core and talk to someone of authority.  Also, may I suggest talking to your counselor about this as well.  They can walk this situation with you. 

Of course, as you said, continue to give this up to God and keep in prayer.  This person, although may be hard to accept right now, needs to be loved too.  I hope that you can grow in your faith through this situation and be strengthened. 


[Answered by Pastor KJT]

Q: One of my friends is changing a lot lately. They're not the same person as they were before and I dont really like the "new them".

...I feel like ending our friendship, but I feel bad. I've know this person for a long time, they didn't use to be like this, they use to be awesome. I've been praying about it, but things aren't getting any better. Is it time for the friendship to be finished, or should I hold onto it to see if it can be fixed?


A: Have you TALKED to your friend about this recent change? Do they KNOW how to feel?

This is definitely the first step that I think you should take. Communication is key here...you have to let your friend know (in a loving way!) that you've noticed a change in them. Also, I think it's important to ask yourself if this change is just annoying you, or it's genuinely something that does not glorify God and edifies the friendship. In any case, you should discuss it!

The Bible says that we should speak out in love and talk to one another. I suggest that you do this and get your point across before you consider moving on. Friendships take time, effort and communication to grow, and this could be that time where your friendship with your friend could become even stronger. I know that it may be hard to address the issues here, but I'd suggest for you to give it a try before throwing in the towel.

If all else fails and your friend refuses to change and continues to hurt you with his/her actions, than perhaps it is time to move on. Friends come and go in your life...trust me. You likely won't have the same friends in elementary school that you would have in high school. And even still, those high school friends will change in university/college and even more so afterward when you are working and married. You'll likely just have a handful of friends that you still keep in touch with and are close with after 10 years. That may be hard to accept, but it's a principle that is tried, tested and true.

All I can say is, choose your friends wisely and make sure they are people who can encourage and spur you on. Know how to communicate with them and know when it's time to move on. These are life principles that you'll learn as you grow. Blessings!

[Answered by Pastor KJT]