I'm going into my senior year at school and since tenth grade, my class has pretty much shunned me for everything. It got pretty bad last year as to having my average drop from an 87% to a 63%. It's my last year at the school and I know I should make the best out of it. I've learned during the summer how love should work and why it should work the way it does. I'm trying, but even if I see one of my classmates from school at my youth group, I can't bring myself to start a small conversation without feeling bitter. I don't know what I’m supposed to be asking, but I’m pretty much just wondering how to get through the next year with my class. I have friends in other grades, but I mean, it is senior year and I should be spending more time with my class before we leave for university. Anything I can do?
GREAT QUESTION! Human beings were created to be social creatures, meaning that we are most comfortable when we have family, friends and acquaintances. Friendship is an important element in a fulfilled, contented life, and those who have close friends, whether one or two or a multitude, will usually be happy and well-adjusted. At the same time, those who call themselves our friends may cause us grief and hardship, and at times disappointing us.
TRUE FRIENDSHIP
The Lord Jesus Christ gave us the definition of a true friend: "Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends. You are my friends if you do what I command. I no longer call you servants, because a servant does not know his master's business. Instead, I have called you friends, for everything that I learned from my Father I have made known to you" (John 15:13-15). Jesus is the pure example of a true friend, for He laid down His life for His "friends." What is more, anyone may become His friend by trusting in Him as his personal savior, being born again and receiving new life in Him.
There is an example of true friendship between David and Saul's son Jonathan, who, in spite of his father Saul's pursuit of David and attempts to kill him, stood by his friend. You will find that story in 1 Samuel chapter 18 through chapter 20. Some pertinent passages are 1 Samuel 18:1-4; 19: 4-7; 20:11-17, 41-42. Proverbs is another good source of wisdom regarding friends: Proverbs 17:17; Proverbs 18:24. The issue here is to remember that in order to have a friend, one must be a friend: Proverbs 27:6; Proverbs 27:17.
Friends are of like mind. The truth that comes from all of this is a friendship is a relationship that is entered into by individuals, and it is only as good or as close as those individuals choose to make it. Someone has said that if you can count your true friends on the fingers of one hand, you are blessed. A friend is one whom you can be yourself with and never fear that he or she will judge you. A friend is someone that you can confide in with complete trust. A friend is someone you respect and that respects you, not based upon worthiness but based upon a likeness of mind.
The Lord Jesus Christ gave us the definition of a true friend: "Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends. You are my friends if you do what I command. I no longer call you servants, because a servant does not know his master's business. Instead, I have called you friends, for everything that I learned from my Father I have made known to you" (John 15:13-15). Jesus is the pure example of a true friend, for He laid down His life for His "friends." What is more, anyone may become His friend by trusting in Him as his personal savior, being born again and receiving new life in Him.
There is an example of true friendship between David and Saul's son Jonathan, who, in spite of his father Saul's pursuit of David and attempts to kill him, stood by his friend. You will find that story in 1 Samuel chapter 18 through chapter 20. Some pertinent passages are 1 Samuel 18:1-4; 19: 4-7; 20:11-17, 41-42. Proverbs is another good source of wisdom regarding friends: Proverbs 17:17; Proverbs 18:24. The issue here is to remember that in order to have a friend, one must be a friend: Proverbs 27:6; Proverbs 27:17.
Friends are of like mind. The truth that comes from all of this is a friendship is a relationship that is entered into by individuals, and it is only as good or as close as those individuals choose to make it. Someone has said that if you can count your true friends on the fingers of one hand, you are blessed. A friend is one whom you can be yourself with and never fear that he or she will judge you. A friend is someone that you can confide in with complete trust. A friend is someone you respect and that respects you, not based upon worthiness but based upon a likeness of mind.
Friendship can have its negative aspects as well. Supposed friends can lead us into sin (2 Samuel 13:1-6). A friend can lead us astray in regard to our faith (Deuteronomy 13:6-11), provide false comfort and bad advice (Job 2:11-13, 6:14-27, 42:7-9). Friends can also prove false, pretending affection for their own motives and deserting us when our friendship no longer benefits them (Psalm 55:12-14; Proverbs 19:4, 6-7). Friendship can be broken down through gossip (Proverbs 16:28) or grudges (Proverbs 17:9) or in your case – being deliberately avoided or shunned by your friends.
Friends should be chosen very carefully because, as Paul told the Corinthians, “bad company corrupts good character” (1 Corinthians 15:33). Proverbs 1:10-19 and 4:14-19 contains warnings about friends and how we should choose them. We are not to associate with those who entice us to do wrong, no matter how appealing their “friendship” seems to be.
BEING SHUNNED
Many of us have probably felt shunned by our friends at one point or another and most often than not those feelings may have caused some disagreements and hurt feelings. The thing about shunning is that sometimes those may not have been our intention and because nobody speaks up about what has happened the situation gets out of control.
Know that as born-again believers we have a resource in God's Word that can bring comfort and clarity to this situation. One person or even a group's rejection does not mean we are unlovable. We can choose to allow rejection to determine how we feel and allow that feeling to color our idea of who we are, or we can choose to put that behind us and move forward on the basis of something that is far more lasting.
For believers, we need to remember our position in Christ. When we are born again, we are accepted. "Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us in the heavenly realms with every spiritual blessing in Christ. For he chose us in him before the creation of the world to be holy and blameless in his sight. In love he predestined us to be adopted as his sons through Jesus Christ, in accordance with his pleasure and will— to the praise of his glorious grace, which he has freely given us in the One he loves" (Ephesians 1:3-6).
Even though we do not deserve it nor can we earn it (Ephesians 2:8-9), the Lord Jesus Christ has blessed us with every spiritual blessing and has made us accepted in Him. This acceptance is His gift of grace, and it transcends any and all other "feelings" we may have because it is not based on "hope so" but on "know so." We know that this is true because God's Word tells us, and as we believe this truth by faith, it becomes reality in our hearts and lives.
As believers we are not defined by our past failures or by disappointment or by the rejection of others. We are defined as children of God, born again to newness of life and endowed with every spiritual blessing and accepted in Christ Jesus. That is the defining factor when it comes to victorious living. God has prepared for each of us unique opportunities to walk through the "all things" of this life. We can either walk in our own strength and what the Apostle Paul calls our "flesh," or we can walk in the power of the provision God has made for us through the Holy Spirit. It is our choice. God has provided us with armor (Ephesians 6:11-18), but it is up to us to put it on by faith.
For believers, we need to remember our position in Christ. When we are born again, we are accepted. "Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us in the heavenly realms with every spiritual blessing in Christ. For he chose us in him before the creation of the world to be holy and blameless in his sight. In love he predestined us to be adopted as his sons through Jesus Christ, in accordance with his pleasure and will— to the praise of his glorious grace, which he has freely given us in the One he loves" (Ephesians 1:3-6).
Even though we do not deserve it nor can we earn it (Ephesians 2:8-9), the Lord Jesus Christ has blessed us with every spiritual blessing and has made us accepted in Him. This acceptance is His gift of grace, and it transcends any and all other "feelings" we may have because it is not based on "hope so" but on "know so." We know that this is true because God's Word tells us, and as we believe this truth by faith, it becomes reality in our hearts and lives.
As believers we are not defined by our past failures or by disappointment or by the rejection of others. We are defined as children of God, born again to newness of life and endowed with every spiritual blessing and accepted in Christ Jesus. That is the defining factor when it comes to victorious living. God has prepared for each of us unique opportunities to walk through the "all things" of this life. We can either walk in our own strength and what the Apostle Paul calls our "flesh," or we can walk in the power of the provision God has made for us through the Holy Spirit. It is our choice. God has provided us with armor (Ephesians 6:11-18), but it is up to us to put it on by faith.
Therefore, if you are a child of God, you may suffer disappointment in this life, but you need to remember that as a child of the King, this rejection is a momentary bump in the road. You have a choice to either allow that bump to derail you and walk wounded, or you can choose to claim the heritage of a child of God and move forward in grace. Forgiveness of others and of self is a gift that you can give because it is the gift given to you by the Lord Jesus Christ (Ephesians 4:32).
If your friends in your senior year won't talk to you then most likely you are not going to be able to get a response as to why they shunned you or why they may have avoided you through these past few years. Perhaps you are going to need to just move forward in your life, making new friends, prepare for this coming school year and future campus life. You have already demonstrated that you can be a top student. So focus on doing well in school, serving and developing your friendships in fellowship. Remember that once you graduate from high school, everyone will be heading off to different campuses, different parts of the province and world. That may mean focusing on the friends you already have and seeking to build new relationships with others in your senior grade that have common interests with you.
Seek to be that true friend like the example of David and Jonathan and you will find that people will be drawn to you. Be open, friendly and kind to all.
Proverbs 3:5-6 says, “Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight.”
[Answered by Ray Lee, Summer Intern]
